Open Letter to my Angel Baby

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day you joined the other beautiful angel babies in Heaven. This day is forever etched in my memory. It was so unexpected and so absolutely heartbreaking.

July 8th, 2018 @ 745am, my water broke a couple days shy of 20 weeks. I remember trying so hard to convince myself this wouldn’t result in my never getting to hold you in my arms. But as the amniotic fluid continued come with no end in site and my medical knowledge took over all I could feel was devastation. After arriving at the hospital my worst fears were confirmed…

It took me weeks to be able to look at myself in the mirror. I felt loss and almost unrecognizable. It just felt agonizing to see myself without my baby bump. It was too much of a reminder that you were gone. I kept trying to convince myself it was all just a bad nightmare. But it wasn’t….

I’ll never forget the day your dad and I heard you heartbeat for the first time, May 2nd, 2018. So strong, so pronounced. I never felt a feeling of such overwhelming joy, responsibility, and excitement. Your personality continued to show at every ultrasound appointment from there….

Our lives have not been the same since losing you. It’s not one day that goes by that I don’t think about the amazing man I knew you would’ve have become. The lessons you would have learned from you dad. The hugs you would have delighted me with and the joy you would have brought to your brothers’ lives who were patiently awaiting your arrival. They were beyond excited to meet you and teach you all things basketball, football, video games and how to work mommy’s last nerve!

Loosing you was the most traumatic experience of my life, but daily I live for you. Striving to be the best version of myself. Your loss thought me so much about resilience and fortitude. It taught me more about love than I had ever learned in my 34 years of life. It taught me and your dad how to truly lean on one another for support and strength through difficult times.

There are many days where my grief over losing you is hidden with a smile, or by creating a ridiculously busy schedule, but there is no day that I don’t miss you like crazy…

In spite of how you came and left this world, and the fact that I didn’t get to nurture you into adulthood. You were and always will be my first born. Your memory will always be a part of me…