Making Baby Bonilla

Emotional.

That’s the one word that sums my feeling of this day. Today Thursday September 10^th , is my Frozen embryo transfer day. It started off like any other day. My alarm clock going off at 6am, me hitting the snooze button but not exactly snoozing because all I can think about is not accidentally oversleeping and missing my time window for my progesterone injection. It’s to be administered every morning around 615am. And let me tell you, the shot itself doesn’t even hurt. Forget about the needle. It’s the medicine that makes your glutes feel like you’ve got the worse post workout soreness x 100,000. Sitting is a challenge!

I lie there for a few minutes thinking to myself this is it. This is the day the last 2 years of my journey has brought me to face.

I get up, draw up my progesterone in the syringe and wake my husband. He always looks like he’s in the deepest sleep at this time and I feel awful waking him. I lightly tap him and he jumps up immediately and says “is it time?”. He’s been so good at learning how to administer my injections even in his groggy state.

It’s funny… you would think being nurse, having worked in the ER and having seen some of the gnarliest things, I would be able to inject my own meds, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s so incredibly different when you’re the patient. So I don’t know what I’d do if my husband couldn’t do this for me.

For a fleeting second, as my husband is administering my injection, I can’t help but think to myself how exhausted I am of injections and doctor visits, but this thought is quickly dismissed with the thought of “but what if this works”…

This infertility journey and preparation for my FET has been met with so many emotions.

Anxiety about what the future holds

Grief for the 4 children I lost before 

Anger that there are parents who neglect their children when others are up against all odds to have one 

Exhaustion from the massive amount of hormonal injections that make my body feel like a stranger to me

Confusion as to why some women have it so hard while other have so easy to conceive

Disgusted that insurance companies provide coverage for abortion but not for in vitro fertilization 

Nervous because the world seems to have gone mad but I still want to bring life into it

Guilt of having to spend more than the average amount of sick hours away from work for doctors appointments

Frustration that society and many organizations/employers still do not view infertility as medical diagnosis equal to other chronic illnesses

Fear that after all this sacrifice emotionally, mentally and physically the transfer my not take the first time 

Although these are the many emotions that have plagued me throughout this journey, today I’ve set my intentions on only the positive emotions because the baby deserves to feel that sense of emotional peace while developing in my body…

Admiration for all those IVF moms/warriors who have put their bodies through so much at a chance to bring life into this world

Passionate about sharing my story so others who are going through this journey don’t fell alone 

Grateful that I’m able to have means to afford IVF treatment 

Excitement about what the future has in store 

Hopeful that Baby Bonilla will stick today and grace us with his/her beautiful presence in the 9/10 months