Passage to Motherhood

Passage – the act or process of moving through, under, over, or past something on the way from one place to another.

The Oxford English Dictionary

Motherhood– the state of being a mother  

The Oxford English Dictionary

After my first loss, I found myself feeling so isolated. I felt like my family and friends couldn’t understand what I was feeling even though they were doing their best to be supportive. With every loss, that feeling of isolation increased. The one thing (conceiving) that seem like it would make me feel better, was the one thing that made me feel worst when it ended in another miscarriage.  I was drowning in so much grief, but it was invisible to everyone around me… 

I’ve always had this unique ability to bury pain just enough to continue to produce in my workplace, achieve new goals, be the pillar of my family, and put a smile on my face. In fact, in the face of adversity or tragedy, I’ve always become the most productive version of myself. But as they say, so much can be hidden behind a smile and I’d even add so much can be hidden behind an accomplishment as well… 

The thing is even with achieving new goals and being extremely productive on the outside, the pain still exists on the inside. The productivity and accomplishments are simply things that mask the pain. Things used to distract me from the pain and grief that has come with each loss…  

To the outside world including close friends and family, the fact that you’re still productive and not curled into a ball in a corner with tears streaming down your face must mean you’re fine… 

That’s the misconception, you’re not fine, but you’re refusing to allow failure to be an option, but it doesn’t mean the grief is non-existent… 

So, to all my mothers of angel babies and women who are tirelessly trying to have your rainbow baby, Passage 2 Motherhood is for you. This is a place where I will share my story, and hope to provide you with the courage you need to feel safe enough to share yours as well. You are not alone in your grief and pain. You are amongst some of the strongest most courageous group of individuals. For every injection and horse pill sized supplement, every missed hour of work for an OB/RE appointment, every moment of feeling unlike yourself, every high followed by an extreme low, all the times you felt your body was betraying you, every moment you felt isolated or your grief felt invisible to others, know you ARE NOT alone.  

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you”

-Maya Angelou

I hope that sharing my story on this blog will help encourage others to share their infertility story. I’ve learned how to navigate through infertility treatments  advocate for myself with the help of other women who have been so kind to share their stories whether it be with me on a personal level or those who have shared on a public platform. It takes so much courage to be that vulnerable with an audience, and I’m forever grateful for them doing so.